THIS SURE SOLD ME! I AM GOING TO THE DOLLAR STORE TODAY & GET A DOZEN!                                     This is without a doubt the best idea I've ever heard!!! Always keep several get well cards on the mantel..... so if unexpected guests arrive, they will think you've been sick and unable to clean.

---

"How the best things are won with sacrifice"

What a good idea!! I always have some on hand anyway so I might just as well keep them on the mantel!!!! That way if I need to send one I will know right where they are!! I bet birthday cards could work to, you can just tell people you had a birthday party the night before and are a little sleepy still.......

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts i t over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

---

Yesterday is yesterday. (This Town)

It's only heaven descending. (Black Ribbon)

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

 

---

"How the best things are won with sacrifice"

That's a good one Marnie...it reminds me of the time my sister, 16 years my senior, made me buy her condoms for a weekend trip she was taking when I was 7 months pregnant with my son. I got a few weird looks that day in Shoppers.

---

"There's one in every crowd, for crying out loud,
why was it always turning out be me"

This one is courtesy of my office manager:

 

Airport Restroom – This could happen to you.

 

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

 

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

 

And the other person says:  "So what are you up to?"

 

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

 

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"

 

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

 

Then I hear the person say nervously...

 

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions."

---

The tragedy of life doesn't lie in not reaching your goal. The tragedy lies in having no goal to reach.

This one is courtesy of my office manager:

 

Airport Restroom – This could happen to you.

 

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

 

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

 

And the other person says:  "So what are you up to?"

 

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

 

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"

 

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

 

Then I hear the person say nervously...

 

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions."

---

The tragedy of life doesn't lie in not reaching your goal. The tragedy lies in having no goal to reach.

LOL!!  Good One GG!!!  

 

 

                 Dog For Sale:  OR free to good home.

                Answers to the name of Dolly.

 

                 Excellent guard dog.

 

                 Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no

more thieves, murderers, rapists or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.

 

                 Most of them knew him as " holy sh*t!! "

---

"How the best things are won with sacrifice"

Alligator Shoes (edited to make it more politically correct)

A young lady with lighter colour hair was on vacation and driving through the Everglades.  She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices
the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle on prices' attitude of one of the shopkeepers the lady with lighter coloured hair shouted, 'Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator,
so I can get a pair of shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, 'Little lady, just go and give it a try!' The woman headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.
  

Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The lighter haired lady struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes Heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out...

   'CRAP... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!

Gotta love those lighter haired ladies!

---

Compassion is Love in action.

Bottle of Wine

(This is good!)

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling....about
women drivers; the woman says, "So you're a man. That's
interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's
nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you
completely; this must be a sign from God! But you're still at
fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't
break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it
back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No, I think I'll just wait for the
police...."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with us.

---

Yesterday is yesterday. (This Town)

It's only heaven descending. (Black Ribbon)

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

---

Yesterday is yesterday. (This Town)

It's only heaven descending. (Black Ribbon)

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

>> Why condoms come in boxes of 3, 6, and 12
>
>
> >A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk
> >by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?
> >
> > To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son.
> > Men use them to have safe sex.'
> >
> > 'Oh I see,' replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health
> > class at school.' He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3
> > and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?'
> >
> > The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for
> > Saturday, and ONE for Sunday.'
> >
> > 'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these
> > for?'
> >
> > 'Those are for college men,' the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for
> > Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.'
> >
> > 'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12
> > pack.
> >
> > With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, 'Those are for married
> > men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March...'

---

Yesterday is yesterday. (This Town)

It's only heaven descending. (Black Ribbon)

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

                                                      Giving up Wine

  I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly  
dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a  
  couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this  
  money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?"  
  "No I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.
  "Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked.
  "No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said.   
  "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."  
  "Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?"   asked.
  "Are you NUTS !" replied the homeless woman.  " I 
  haven't  had my hair done in 20 years!"
  "Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money.    
  Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my    
  husband and me tonight."
  The homeless Woman was shocked. "Won't your husband  
  be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,  
and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
  I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman
  looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

---

Yesterday is yesterday. (This Town)

It's only heaven descending. (Black Ribbon)

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Grocery Shopping

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smellof fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

---

Compassion is Love in action.

Here's a funny one for all the parents out there.  It's called "The Mom Song" - stay with it till the end.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxT5NwQUtVM

 

---

"Over straight and crooked miles
Falling out of favour or embraced
Wondering where was love...
It hadn't happened yet"
~Ron Sexsmith~

Nearest to all things
Patiently waiting
So let the angels sing
Silently weeping