Did you hear about the Newfoundland teacher who was helping one of her
kindergarten students put on his snowboots?

He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots
still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She looked, and sure eShe almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

Sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "why didn't you say so?", like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off, when he said, "they're my brother's boots, my Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots........"
She will be eligible for parole in three years.

---

Compassion is Love in action.

CAR ACCIDENT IN TEXAS...PRICELESS !!

---

Yesterday is yesterday. (This Town)

It's only heaven descending. (Black Ribbon)

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

No offense ladies.  I know we are smarter than this. 

What is a 710?
===============

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage.
A lady came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked,
"What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the
engine, I have lost it and need a new one."

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this
piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of
paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then
took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked
"is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said,
"Of course, it's right there."

If you're not sure what a 710 is click the link below:
http://www.mountainwings.com/pics/710.jpg

---

Compassion is Love in action.

A wee bit of Scottish Humour 

 

A duck walks into a pub and orders a schooner of beer and a ham sandwich.
 
The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck". 

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
 
"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer  and my sandwich please?"

 "Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?". 

 "I'm working on the building  site across the road", explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. 
 

The Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

 "Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".

 So the next day when the duck  comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line  you up with a top job, paying really good money!"
"Yeah?", says the  duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"    "At the circus", says the barman.

 "The circus?" the duck enquires.   "That's right", replies the barman.

 "The circus?" the duck asks again.   "Yes" says the barman

 "That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.  "Yeah" the barman replies.
 
"With all the animals?" the duck questioned. "Of Course" the barman replies.

 "With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.  "That's right!" says the barman.

 The duck looks confused.  "What the @%#@% would they want with a plasterer?
 

---

Compassion is Love in action.

Oh man, mthead!!!! I was laughing so hard no sound came out!!!!!!! Thanks for that, it truly is priceless!!!!!

  What a great thread! I've got a joke a day for ever! thanks!!!!

        "Oh, man....hahahaha...I think she just sprayed him with mace!!!!!!!!....she's hitting him with her bible...hahahahaha...." hilarious!

        I hardly ever find jokes that are hilarious, but has anyone ever heard of Dylan Moran, the Irish comic? I laughed so much at his "I've tried to like Rap Music bit!"  Here's the link to this 10 minute clip from the video of his stand up show    "Monster"

         http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=wCjuIkVKlW8

---

"It's a far cry from the world we thought we'd inherit~
It's a far cry from the way we thought we'd share it~"

                                                How to Shower

  How to shower like a woman

Take off clothing and place it a sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown, if you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your Womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit ups/leg lifts etc.

Get in shower, use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, pumice stone

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo, with 43 extra vitamins

Wash hair again to make sure its clean

Condition your hair with grapefriut mint conditioner enhanced

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 mins. until face is red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash

Rinse conditioner from hair

Shave armpits and legs, turn off shower.

Squeegee of all wet surfaces in shower, Spray Mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower, dry with towel the size of small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.

Return to bedroom, wearing long dressing gown and towel on head, if you see husband along way cover up any exposed areas.

How to shower like a man

Take off clothes while sitting on the bed and leave them sitting in a pile

Walk naked to bathroom, if you see wife, shake your weiner at her while making "Woo Woo" sound

Look at your manly physique in mirror

Admire the size of your weiner and scratch your butt.

Get in shower wash your face wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let water rinse it off.

Fart and laugh how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing private parts.

Wash butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair, make a shampoo Mohawk, pee

Rinse off get out of the shower.

Partially dry off

Fail to notice large puddle of water on floor because curtian was outside the tub the whole time.

Admire weiner size in mirror again

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom wearing towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull towel off shake weiner at her making " Woo Woo" sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

---

HUH?

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

---

Keep it simple

In the middle of the night
We keep sending little kites
Until a little light gets through ~ Patty Griffin

F*ck it, I'm off to the river
Just get me outta here ~ D. Bentall

---

Compassion is Love in action.

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror
as her ball headed directly toward a
foursome of men playing the next hole.The ball hit one of the
men. He immediately clasped his hands
together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll
around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to
apologize.

'Please allow me to help I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I
could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,'she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the
man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long
moments and asked,'How does that feel'?

He replied:
'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

---

Compassion is Love in action.

LMAO!!!!! Good ones!

---

Recalculating....


"A gun rack... a gun rack. I don't even own *a* gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do... with a gun rack?" Wayne Campbell

OK those last ones were a riot.

---

Where my designer B*tches at?

MAGNETS....COWS....HERD....it all makes sense now?

There's nothing worse than driving in a snowstorm with a GPS that's on the rag

Do you take PAYPAL?

I posted them just for you Ray!

---

Compassion is Love in action.

 
Upon reaching 75, old Tom finally decided to retire. After having  him underfoot for a few months, his wife became very agitated with  him. She suggested he go and do something to occupy his time, like join a club or get a hobby.Old Tom obliged and went out for a couple of hours. When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied,? 'Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys...... ... and oh yeah, I joined a parachute club.'

'What? Are you nuts?? You're 75 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?'

'Yeah, look I even got a membership card.'

'You dirty old man, you need glasses! This is a membership in a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!'

'Oh, great! Now what am I going to do?? I signed up for 5 jumps a week!!'

---

Compassion is Love in action.

A real groaner....

A man is driving along a highway
and sees a rabbit jump out
across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it,
but unfortunately the rabbit jumps

---

Yesterday is yesterday. (This Town)

It's only heaven descending. (Black Ribbon)

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Execise program for anyone over 40   or anyone who needs it! (really, try this)it works!

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your
arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you
can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that
you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of
weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and
then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack
in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute...
(I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the
sacks.

---

Compassion is Love in action.