Not So Dumb

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son"? The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you"? said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill"?

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over."

---

Greg Keelor met Jim Cuddy and then I met you people. Serendipity is a marvellous thing.


"I guess I don't know if I believe in God but
I know a song can make you feel good once
in a while." ~Greg Keelor~

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That was a good one Hazy!

Here are a few more

>> THE SPOON
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the
>> service to be faster,
>> this short story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a
>> difference to an organization.
>> Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that
>> the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
>> It seemed a little strange. When another waiter brought our water and
>> utensils I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked
>> around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the
>> waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
>>
>> "Well, he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting
>> to
>> revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they
>> concluded
>> that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a
>> drop
>> frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel
>> are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the
>> kitchen and
>> save 15 man-hours per shift."
>> As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it
>> with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen,
>> instead
>> of making an extra trip to get it right now."
>>
>> I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of
>> the
>> waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same
>> string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked
>> the waiter "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right
>> there?"
>>
>> "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so
>> observant.
>> That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in
>> the
>> restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull
>> it
>> out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands,
>> shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.
>> I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
>>
>> "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the
>> spoon."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

>> Newfie ( a must read )
>>
>>
>>  A Newfie decides to travel across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean.
>>  When he gets to Nanaimo, he likes the place so much that he decides to
>> stay. But first he must find a job.
>>  He walks into the MacMillan-Bloedel office and fills out an application
>> as an 'experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be
>> looking for someone.  But first, the bush foreman takes him for a ride into
>> the bush in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows. The foreman
>> stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree.
>>
>> "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and
>> how many board feet of lumber it contains."
>>
>> The Newfie promptly answers, "Dat dere's a Sitka Spruce eh? and she got
>> 383 board feet a' lumber in 'er."
>>
>> The foreman is impressed.
>>
>> He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road.
>>
>> He points at another tree through the passenger door window  and asks the
>> same question.
>>
>> This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class.
>>
>> tunderin'! Dat's yer Douglas Fir and she got 690 board  feet." says the
>> Newfie.
>>
>> Now the foreman is really impressed.
>>
>> The Newfie has answered quickly and got the answers right without even
>> using a calculator!
>>
>> One more test.
>>
>> They drive a little farther down the road, and the foreman
>> stops again.This time, he points across the road through his driver side
>> window. "And what about that one?"
>>
>> Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Newfie says, "A YellerCedar,
>> 242 board feet at mos'."
>>
>> The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little
>> pissed off because he thinks that the Newfie is smarter than he.As they
>> near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks theNewfie to step
>> outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him,"See that tree
>> over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree."The
>> foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot! How would he know which is  the front
>> of a tree?"
>>
>> When the Newfie reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle  while
>> looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white  X on the
>> trunk.
>>
>> He runs back to the foreman and hands him the chalk."Dat's da front a'
>> dat tree fer sure." the Newfie states, c*cksure.
>>
>> The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How in thehell do
>> you know that's the front of
>> the tree?"
>>
>> The Newfie looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left
>> boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies,
>>
>> "Cuz someone took a sh*t behind it eh?."
>>
>> He got the job!

---

Yesterday is yesterday. (This Town)

It's only heaven descending. (Black Ribbon)

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Found another

---

Yesterday is yesterday. (This Town)

It's only heaven descending. (Black Ribbon)

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

This thread was an awesome idea....LMAO!!!!

---

Recalculating....


"A gun rack... a gun rack. I don't even own *a* gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do... with a gun rack?" Wayne Campbell

 Cows drink milk! That's my story and I'm sticking to it or I'll be a monkeys uncle!!! 

---

Where my designer B*tches at?

MAGNETS....COWS....HERD....it all makes sense now?

There's nothing worse than driving in a snowstorm with a GPS that's on the rag

Do you take PAYPAL?

Well, I'm feeling pretty damn proud of myself at the moment...the only one I missed was the last one!!!

In fact, I'm more than proud...I'm mildly shocked! (As I'm sure most of you that know me are too!!!!)

---

Keep it simple

In the middle of the night
We keep sending little kites
Until a little light gets through ~ Patty Griffin

F*ck it, I'm off to the river
Just get me outta here ~ D. Bentall

I’m sure you used them at one time or another.

> >>SMART ASS ANSWER  #6

> >>It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters  Airline.

> >>

> >>"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.

> >>

> >>

> >>"What are my choices?"  John asked.

> >>

> >>"Yes or no," she  replied.

> >>

> >>

> >>SMART ASS ANSWER #5

> >>A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check

> >>tickets.

> >>

> >>

> >>As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he

> >>opened his trench coat and flashed her.

> >>

> >>Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket

> >>not your stub."

> >>

> >>

> >>SMART ASS ANSWER #4

> >>A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store

> >>but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

> >>

> >>She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

> >>

> >>The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

> >>

> >>

> >>SMART ASS ANSWER #3

> >>The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding

> >>rolled down his window.

> >>

> >>

> >>"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

> >>

> >>The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I  could."

> >>

> >>

> >>When the cop finally stopped  laughing, he sent the kid on his way

> >>without a ticket.

> >>

> >>

> >>SMART ASS ANSWER #2

> >A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.  A sign comes up

> >>that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead."  Before he knows it, the bridge is

> >>right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.

> >>

> >>Cars are backed up for miles.  Finally, a police car comes up.  The

> >>cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his

> >>hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

> >>

> >>The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran

> >>out of gas."

> >>

> >>

> >>

> >>SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006

> >>A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.  "Now

> >>class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here

> >>tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal

> >>injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's

> >>it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

> >>

> >>A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,

> >>"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from

> >>complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced

> >>to laughter and snickering.

> >>

> >>When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the

> >>student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd

> >>have to write the exam with your other hand."

> >>

---

Recalculating....


"A gun rack... a gun rack. I don't even own *a* gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do... with a gun rack?" Wayne Campbell

microsoft tale

In 2050 A.D. Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in the Purgatory waiting room, when God enters...

"Well, Bill," says God, "I'm confused. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell: you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you've also created some of the most unearthly frustrations known to mankind. I'm going to do something I've never done before: I'm going to let you choose where you want to go."

Bill replies, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God says, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly to help you make your decision."

"Okay, where should I go first?" asks Bill.

God says, "That's up to you."

Bill says, "OK, let's try Hell first."

So Bill goes to Hell. It's a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There are thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun is shining, the temperature is just right. The whole thing looks perfect, and Bill is very pleased.

"This is great!" he tells God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"

"Fine," says God, and off they go.

Heaven is a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It very nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thinks for a moment and announces his decision.

"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell." he tells God.

"Fine," says God, "As you desire."

So Bill Gates is taken to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decides to check up on Bill to see how he's doing in Hell. When God arrives in Hell, he finds Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He's being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going, Bill?" God asks.

Bill replies, his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, it's not what I expected at all, I can't believe it. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God smiles and says, "That was the screen saver."

OMG! Jenn! I did one of those I laughed, I cried, I laughed again thingys that happen to me once in a while!!! That last one sent me right over the edge! I am suffering from withdrawl in the worst ways today! It just seemed like Blue Rodeo weekend was almost here and now...........sad, very sad. So thanks for the laugh!

Sammie I made it that far too! There's still something rattling around up there!!

http://www.flashbynight.com/test/

Here's another test for you all!!!

---

Recalculating....


"A gun rack... a gun rack. I don't even own *a* gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do... with a gun rack?" Wayne Campbell

I be 13.8 perscent dumberer than average. Taint right that's fer sure.

---

Yippee-ki-yay Om Om Mani Padme Om Om

Use your Ontario Voice

Chaps:

I be 13.8 perscent dumberer than average. Taint right that's fer sure.

I dundid the ask Yoder thang and had him ansir "What is Blue Rodeo" and the rodent lookin' midget said.

Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. Look beyond what you see with your eyes.

---

Yippee-ki-yay Om Om Mani Padme Om Om

Use your Ontario Voice