Sammie:

katiescarlet:

I should know better....Marnie I almost lost my sip of coffee!!! That was hilarious.

 

Oh, Jenn...you can't, in good conscience, try & blame your coffee-stained shirt on Marnie's joke, can you?!  

Yeah!  I didn't make up the joke, I just posted it.

j/k

---

Yesterday is yesterday. (This Town)

It's only heaven descending. (Black Ribbon)

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Doctors Never Laugh

The Doctor replied 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a 
professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

 'Okay then,' Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, 
revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't 
have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell 
laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his 
feet and regain his composure. 'I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really 
am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor 
and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what 
seems to be the problem?'

 'It's swollen,' Bob replied.

---

Yesterday is yesterday. (This Town)

It's only heaven descending. (Black Ribbon)

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong, "Yes, Nurse Tracy ," said Mr. Wallace. "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences." The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas." "But, Nurse Tracy I can't," replied Mr. Wallace. "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died. "Yes," said Nurse Tracy, "you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" (You've gotta love this ....) "Well," he replied, "Today is the viewing."

---

Yippee-ki-yay Om Om Mani Padme Om Om

Use your Ontario Voice

I recently chose a new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?'

'No,' I replied. 'I don't do drugs, either.'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

I said, 'No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, fishing or relaxing on the beach?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said. 'I don't do any of those things.'

Then he looked at me and asked, 'Then why do you give a sh*t?'

I saw this on YouTube and I couldn't stop laughing...

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fTrK4VQG93Y

---

~ ...and all the demons are saints, and the saints I'll never trust...~ Blue Rodeo - "Graveyard"

~...Had a dream where everybody looked like someone else, and the farthest I could get from was the closest to myself...~ Men Without Hats - "Sideways"

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her

new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety

violation.

The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put reflector lights on the back of

it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir.

Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa... the ***

goes underneath the horse, not on top.

---

Yippee-ki-yay Om Om Mani Padme Om Om

Use your Ontario Voice

A short love story -- On a train

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?  I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own f ******' blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

---

Yesterday is yesterday. (This Town)

It's only heaven descending. (Black Ribbon)

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

---

Yesterday is yesterday. (This Town)

It's only heaven descending. (Black Ribbon)

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

---

Compassion is Love in action.

A NUN IN AN AIRPORT


A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING ON HER FLIGHT TO CHICAGO.  SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME.'

SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS AND YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO'

THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT, THE MORE CURIOUS SHE BECAME.  SO, SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN.  SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEI GH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO, AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE.

THE NUN SAID TO HERSELF, 'I KNOW THAT IS WRONG.   I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT A DAY IN MY LIFE.'

SHE SAT BACK DOWN.  FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE IN THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM.   WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC.   SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING, 'THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I HAVE TO T RY THIS AGAIN.'

BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT.   IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO, AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.'

NOW SHE KNEW THE MACHINE WAS WRONG, AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC, A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE'.  WHILE  GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE, SHE SLIPPED, AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING ON THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND!  ABSOLUTE LY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, 'THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE! I HAVE TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'

SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT.  IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND, AND YOU'VE MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CHICAGO.'

---

Yesterday is yesterday. (This Town)

It's only heaven descending. (Black Ribbon)

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

A man walks into a bank, gets in line, and when it is his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the bank.

To make sure he leaves no witnesses he turns around and asks the next customer in line,'Did you see me rob this bank?' The customer replies, 'Yes,' whereupon the robber shoots him in the head and kills him.

The robber quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?' The man calmly responds, 'No, but my wife did.'

---

Yippee-ki-yay Om Om Mani Padme Om Om

Use your Ontario Voice

Crap, I just sprayed water all over my computer! bwahahaha!!!!

---

I talk to you, you talk to me
And in my heart I've been set free ~ Shannon Lyon

...then curl up by the fire and sleep for awhile,
it's the grooviest thing, it's the perfect dream ~ The Cure

Keep it simple

Woo Hoo...I wanna be at a bank robery!!!!

---

Where my designer B*tches at?

MAGNETS....COWS....HERD....it all makes sense now?

There's nothing worse than driving in a snowstorm with a GPS that's on the rag

Do you take PAYPAL?

Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a Nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drinking. "You should be ashamed of yourself, young man! Drinking is a sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know, Sister?" "My Mother Superior told me so." "But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" "Don't be ridiculous, of course I have never taken alcohol myself." "Then let me buy you a drink. If you still believe afterwards that it is evil, I will give up drinking for life." "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?" "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will know." The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar. "Another pint to me, and a triple vodka on the rocks," then he lowers his voice and says to the barman, "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?" "Oh, no! It's not that bloody Nun again, is it?"

---

Where my designer B*tches at?

MAGNETS....COWS....HERD....it all makes sense now?

There's nothing worse than driving in a snowstorm with a GPS that's on the rag

Do you take PAYPAL?

hehehe....

---

I talk to you, you talk to me
And in my heart I've been set free ~ Shannon Lyon

...then curl up by the fire and sleep for awhile,
it's the grooviest thing, it's the perfect dream ~ The Cure

Keep it simple