I wanted to post a few jokes but was too lazy to search for an existing thread, so I figured I'd start a new one where we can post anything giggle worthy! I'll start us off with a couple of good jokes I was sent recently!

The Drunk

A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up."

Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner.

The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?"

The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."

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Tetanus Shot

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.

Thanks for the laughs, those were cute.

I've gotten some funny emails lately, but they are in video and I can't post them here.

---

Recalculating....


"A gun rack... a gun rack. I don't even own *a* gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do... with a gun rack?" Wayne Campbell

Bluegirl:

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

 

   Bluegirl that is hilarious!!!! Thanks for the sore sides!!

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"How the best things are won with sacrifice"

dar:

Bluegirl:

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

 

   Bluegirl that is hilarious!!!! Thanks for the sore sides!!

 

You have BlueMama to thank for that one!

OMG those were great. I needed a laugh. Thanks for sharing. That's a GOOD idea have a thread just for jokes easier to find this way

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Recalculating....


"A gun rack... a gun rack. I don't even own *a* gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do... with a gun rack?" Wayne Campbell

Bluegirl:

dar:

Bluegirl:

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

 

   Bluegirl that is hilarious!!!! Thanks for the sore sides!!

 

You have BlueMama to thank for that one!

How is Petey? We miss her around these parts!!!

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Where my designer B*tches at?

MAGNETS....COWS....HERD....it all makes sense now?

There's nothing worse than driving in a snowstorm with a GPS that's on the rag

Do you take PAYPAL?

NYCBRFAN:

Bluegirl:

dar:

Bluegirl:

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

 

   Bluegirl that is hilarious!!!! Thanks for the sore sides!!

 

You have BlueMama to thank for that one!

How is Petey? We miss her around these parts!!!

Oh you know Petey... She's still raising hell wherever she goes!

She asks about you guys too! She never was able to sign in when the boards switched around... I'll have to help her get things sorted out the next time I'm down there.  

Bluegirl:

You have BlueMama to thank for that one!

 

Could you please say hi & thank her for me  Bluegirl  Ask her to drop by sometime we'd love to hear from her!!

 

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"How the best things are won with sacrifice"

nothing like a good ha ha thread to drop those watermelons!!  huh????

---

~"why are people so eager to be so cruel"~

Here's an email that I received today and thought I would share it with all of you 
 

 

 

LOL!!   Good one JAM!!

 

Just got this funny e-mail hope you enjoy it!!  JAM you'll like it!!

 

Pretty funny
 
These will give a giggle ... good way to start the weekend ...but it makes 
you wonder ...where are these stupid people..are they down the hall or in 
the lawyers' office ...you just never know
 
Have a good one
 
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place. It's worth reading to the end!
Those of you who have worked with attorneys will find this very easy to
understand. Others will find it easier.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________


ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at
that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your
appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent
to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was
sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________

And the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

---

"How the best things are won with sacrifice"

Newfie Salesman
>> A young fellow from Newfoundland moves to  Calgary and goes to a big
>> "everything under one roof" department  store looking for a job.
>> The manager says, "Do you have any sales  experience?"
>> The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in  Newfoundland ."
>> Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the  job. "You start
>> tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how  you did."
>> His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.  After the
>> store
>> was locked up, the boss came down.
>> "How  many sales did you make today?"
>> The kid says, "One."
>> The  boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
>> You're going to have to improve considerably or look for  another job!
>> How much was the sale for?"
>> The kid says,  "$112,237.64."
>> The boss says, "$112,237.64! What the hell did you  sell?"
>> Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold  him a
>> medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook.  Then I sold him a
>> new fishing rod.
>> Then I asked him where he  was going fishing and he said out at the lake
>> in
>> BC, so I told him  he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat
>> department  and I sold him a new bass boat. Then he said he didn't think
>> his  Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
>> automotive department and sold him that new Ford pick-up. I asked  him
>> how long
>> he was going to be out at the lake and after he said  5 or 6 days I took
>> him down to the RV department and sold him a  slide-in camper for the
>> truck."
>> The boss said, "A guy came in here  to buy a fish hook and you sold
>> him a boat, a truck and a  camper?"
>> Kid says,
>> "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for  his wife
>> and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go
>> fishing.

---

Yesterday is yesterday. (This Town)

It's only heaven descending. (Black Ribbon)

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Here's another:

Redneck Pick-up Lines

1. Did you fart? - cuz you blew me  away.
2. Are your parents retarded? - cuz ya sure are speshul.
3. My love fer you is like diarrhea - I can't hold it in.
4. Do you have a library card? - cuz I'd like to sign you out.
5. Is there a mirror in your pants? - cuz I can see myself in em.
6.You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light
switch away!!
7. Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT??"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice!!"
8. I know I'm not Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
9. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta
this cheap motel room.
10. Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner!!
11. If yer gonna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep till afternoon.
and . . . .the best for last!
12. Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts
tighten up!!

---

Yesterday is yesterday. (This Town)

It's only heaven descending. (Black Ribbon)

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

OMG those are a riot!!!!

---

Recalculating....


"A gun rack... a gun rack. I don't even own *a* gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do... with a gun rack?" Wayne Campbell